She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
