Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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