I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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