Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
