and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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