i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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