You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
