Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
