i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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