i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
