Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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