This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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