I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
