Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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