Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize