Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
