They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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