Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
