i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
