i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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