It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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