im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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