I met the friendliest cop last night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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