I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
