Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
