I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
