Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize