You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
