Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
