Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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