Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
