I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
