she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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