And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
