I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
