Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
