the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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