I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
