I could make wine with my vomit
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Randomize
