i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize