Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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