There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
