her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize