i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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