How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
