I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
