Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
