Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
