Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
