We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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