she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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