Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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