Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
