He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
