hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
two words...techno handjob
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize