So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
