she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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