Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm like, not good at living.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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