Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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