we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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