Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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