All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
