Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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